I know that there’s an unending butting of heads between working moms and stay at home moms. It all tends to revolve around stay at home moms feeling as though working moms (and husbands) don’t understand how hard their job is. That they’re taken for granted and nobody understands how difficult it is to stay at home with a little ball of energy who just wants to do whatever they want whenever they want.
I’ve seen articles all over talking about this, but the biggest violator that I’ve seen (and the website that caused me enough frustration to want to write this post) is the people over at Babble. The first one I saw (both on their website and posted on Facebook by numerous people AND has spread like wildfire over the internet) was this one. If you don’t want to read it (and I don’t blame you if you don’t), it can basically be boiled down to “you’re lucky you get out of the house and don’t have to suffer the wrath of a toddler’s anger”. Or, to put it another way “yes you have it tough, but look at how rough I have it”. The second one might be a little more accurate way to put their point.
Then there’s THIS gem that I found on their website the other day. I found it via a Tweet from my e-friend Adrian over at Dad or Alive. Now there’s no need to torture yourself by going through every slide, you just need to take a look at the last one. First off, kudos to her husband for never getting on her about everything not being perfect when he comes home from work. But in the same slide the bubble over the guy’s head says “HOW have you been doing this for 10 years?”
Ladies and gentlemen of the stay at home world, I have something to ask you. I beg of you.
Quit complaining so much.
Staying at home is a job. It is a job that has its awesome days, its good days, its normal days, its eh days and its crappy days. But guess what, SO DOES EVERY JOB. And from my experience, the normal to awesome days VASTLY outnumber the eh to crappy days.
When I was working in an office I was constantly being told exactly how to do things by my boss. I was told that I did something wrong, and I had to do things that I thought were stupid, a waste of time or (in many cases), both. And when I had an especially crappy day I’d come home and I’d vent to Erin about it. I wouldn’t tell her that my job was harder than her going to school or being a nurse (when she was one). I’d just tell her about what happened and she’d provide a listening ear. I would do the same thing when I had a great day. Now that Erin’s in the working world, when she has a bad day I listen to her when she gets home.
Don’t get me wrong, I still vent to her if Isaac had an especially rough day, but the point of it is never, NEVER that I have it so rough and she just can’t understand. THAT is what needs to be cut out of every stay at home parents mind. It’s okay to have bad days, it’s okay to talk about the bad day. But the reason we have a bad day is because that’s life. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, you’re going to have them.
Quit trying to justify your job when it doesn’t need to be. Quit making it sound like we’re doing the hardest thing ever known to mankind. We have a hard job, our spouse has a hard job. It’s just that they’re different jobs.
I was just thinking about this the other day about how much complaining that there is all around…. I am going to write a post about it, but the bottom line is we have to remove all labels. They are blocking everyone. Does it really mater who does what? We all have it rough sometimes. Sometimes this job is just a job and it sucks like everyone else’s. My wife’s job has taken her to France, mine has never done that. There are perks to both, and there is crap in both, except ours might be a little more literal.
I understand when people have bad days, I can understand when blogs post about bad days. Hell, I’ll do it here.
But we do need to remove labels and just remember that we’re all parents doing our best. Sometimes our best is to work for our family and sometimes our best is to stay at home. It’s just whatever’s right for your family.
I’m in the unique situation where I work full time but at the same time I take care of our son more often the my wife. I honestly consider staying home with my son my second full time job. You are correct in saying that the good and awesome days outnumber the bad.
Is it juts me or do stay at home moms complain more so then stay at home dads?
Staying at home with Isaac is definitely a full time job, though I do freelancing on the side (while he’s napping and while he’s at school).
As for your second point, I might have a 10 foot pole lying around somewhere, but I’m still not touching that topic with it.
I got the same questions from Moms and Dads when I was a SAHD a decade ago.
The moms – who all knew my situation (that my wife had literally left me with my elementary aged boys alone and that I had to care for my ailing parents) – asked, “What do you do all day?”
CAN YOU IMAGINE the reaction I’d have gotten had I asked a SAHM that question?
But, what irked me just as much was what the men/dads universally asked, “When are you going back to work?”
Things have improved and I now think we dads and SAHPs should stop complaining and just do our job – regardless of airhead comments and blogs.
I love my jobs – my parenting one and my SoMe one!
Sweet Lord in heaven I would never ask a SAHM what she does with her days. I’m pretty sure it would end with my head rolling in the street. And those people who knew your situation who asked are jerks.
I hear you on the going back to work thing too. I’m not going to lie, I think about it from time to time, but I know that there’s no way I’ll be in an office job until, at least, all the kids we decide to have are in school. But even then I’d rather just do my freelance stuff from home. It’s nice to be my own boss.
OH.MY.HEART.
I love this post in a really crazy sort of way. I always think about this. Being a SAHM is rough, but just rough in a different way. Not worse, not better than a work out of the home mom/parent.
But man, do I get tired of hearing about how hard it is all the time. Everything can be hard. Dropping your kid off at a daycare at 6am to show up at a crappy job is hard. I’m thankful I’m not there because I honestly don’t know if I could handle that kind of hard. My SAH day is enough for me to deal with.
::fist pump::
I really feel for those parents who have to work a job with regular hours. If I still had my old job and worked 9-6, I’d only see Isaac in the morning for breakfast and then maybe 15 minutes in the evening when I got home.
THAT would be hell for me.
Here’s what I think it boils down to:
Some people are more suited for their job, WHATEVER it is, than others.
I would suck at being a doctor. (Ew! Blood! *faint*)
I would suck at being a firefighter. (OMG! FIRE!)
I would suck at working outdoors because I don’t really do “Nature.”
The list goes on. The point is, I would never TRY to be a doctor, or firefighter, or nature-worker-person, because I know I’m not suited for those things.
Ahhhh, but. We are led to believe that as women (especially women), we ARE suited to be SAHMs. Because we are women! And moms! Who have kids! So stay home with them!
So if being a SAH Parent is a job much like any other job, it stands to reason that some folks are better suited for it than others. The difference is that no one *expected* me to be a firefighter. The world (in a v general way) did expect me to be a SAHM.
And I sucked at it.
So I do, actually, think that being a SAHM *IS* the hardest job in the world…for some people. I personally find it muuuuuuch harder than my career-job (which is plenty hard and demanding and challenging and requires all kinds of skills).
Anyway, I’m 100% agreeing with you. I’m just adding that staying home with the kids is harder for some people than it is for others…just like any other job in the world. And just because I think being a SAHM is the hardest job ever doesn’t make it universally true.
Exactly.
I believed that I would enjoy being a stay at home parent, and it has turned out to be true. But I also know that it’s not for everyone.
I’m glad to hear that you’ve found the right place for you though. Because if you’re miserable in the job you’re doing it flows down and your kid WILL be effected.
OMG sorry for the novel!
This post is just what I needed. Excellent perspective on every job having its ups and downs, and in my situation, the ups absolutely outnumber the downs. Sure I’m tired and have fleeting daydreams of going back to the office some times, but those are rare, and as soon as I got to the office, I’d wish I was back with my little girl.
I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to have the life and experience I do working from home, and being with my daughter for every minute she’s awake. My wife once told me the phrase “this too shall pass” also applies to the good parts about life. Once I realized that, it put things into really temporary perspective. One day the little girl will be all grown up and out of the house, and then I can go back to the office. And weep about how she’s gone. Just kidding, that would be success in my book. So for now, I’ll treasure the good, look for the silver linings in the tough, and endure the miserable, because the really good is hiding behind her next nap.
It really won’t be like this for long, will it?
Isaac’s already way more independent than he was a few months ago and everything changes in the blink of a week.
And a good nap definitely solves nearly all of our ills (parent and kid both).
Great Post! I agree…everyone needs to stop complaining and trying to prove who has it worse! I guess the saying is true; misery loves company and those of us who struggle at work or at home want the world to know how much we suffer! Here’s the thing for me – I worked for two years with one child in daycare. I had my second child right at a time which my department was dissolved and shipped to Germany. I had few options other than staying home with both of my kids. I’ve been home for nearly three years. Guess what? Both scenarios were hard for me for this simple reason…I didn’t like to work and I don’t like staying home day in and day out entertaining two highly energetic boys!! They are BOTH hard. But, above all here’s the dirty truth that everyone seems to forget; you and everyone else on this planet cannot possilbly know how I experienced and dealt with my life when I was a working mom. On that same note, not a single soul other than me wears my shoes of staying home, raising my boys. Can anyone else relate to how I preceived my old job? Nope. Can anyone relate to my experiences staying at my home and dealing with the personalities of my boys at this stage in their lives? Nope. So, ulitamtely I will never care what anyone tells me they think is harder and blah, blah, blah! Because that person who yells it the loudest or writes it the most eloquently still has one fundametal flaw…they are not me, they didn’t work at my job and they are not raising my boys!
Amen.
Every family is different and every parent is doing what they think is best for their situation.
I’m glad to hear that you’re able to let any negativity roll off your back, otherwise you’d just be angry and what’s the point of that?
Great post. I completely agree – how could you not. Only thing I’d add is that the mum’s who complain are in my experience complaining that their husband doesn’t understand or value how hard her job is. Sometimes she’ll do this explicitly, but more often it’ll simply be the underlying subtext of why she feels she has to complain about her job so much. I can certainly understand this – it must be pretty crap to have a really rough day with the kids and then for your husband to come home, find the house in a mess, and say/imply ‘what have you been doing all day?’. If a mum is in this situation, my advice is to talk to your husband about it – complaining to everyone else about how hard you have it does get a little wearing.